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Bloodsongs Issue 5
ANSWER Me! Now here’s a mag that just cries out for attention, for a reaction. There’s two ways (probably more, but I’m sticking with two) you can take these fuckers: they’re either having us on and laughing at our expense; or they’re for real. My guess is a bit of both. ANSWER Me! In many ways can be looked upon as editorial hubby and wife team’s angst outlet, somewhere they can express and vent their anger. And boy, are they angry. At times I wonder how anyone can maintain that level of anger. Must use up a lot of energy. I mean, these two claim to hate everyone and everything … except for each other of course, and here they get all lovey-dovey and sickening just like every other fuckwit couple I come across. While reading their mags I kept getting the feeling that these two have a deep need to prove something to “everyone out there”. They seem to have tried their damnedest to offend everyone they can: I found their attempts hilarious rather than offensive. Then Jim goes on to challenge anyone in the editorial of the first issue by saying “If you think that we’re just dumb psychos, take the ANSWER Me! challenge -– find a single typo. You’ll be unable to catch any mistake. You see, we’re smart psychos.” Errr … okay Jim. Yer right, I didn’t notice any typos, then again I didn’t look all that hard either. Something to think about Jim: only a psycho, with an anal nit-picking fixation would worry so much about something so trivial. I bet yer home’s all nice and clean too, everything meticulously arranged and not a speck of dust anywhere. A place for everything and everything in its place. You probably break into a cold sweat and start cleaning your gun everytime you notice a speck of dust somewhere. I’m just real glad you live in Loonyville, USA and I live in Melbourne, Australia. After reading the last paragraph most of you are probably expecting a bad review. Wrong! AM! is one of the best mags to come across my coffin in a long time. Great reading for the excremeditation chamber. Well written articles, interesting interviews, some real kick arse photos and graphix, lots of ranting, and a nice effective layout. Sure, many of you fuckers may find a lot of it offensive and in bad taste, but when someone like me, who thrives on this sort of shit comes across something as well written and put together as AM! we lap it up like a hungry dog licking the blood that pools around the corpse of its owner. The simple fact is that, yes Jim and Debbie are a couple of psychos, but it takes a couple of psychos to produce something as fucked up as AM! Issues 1, 2, & 3 came bound together in one volume. Seems they sold out and were so popular and in demand that AK Press decided to publish them in one volume. This one cost me around $30 at Polyester Books, a great little bookstore, situated right in the middle of that alternative-but-ever-so-trendy-café-culture-ville of Brunswick St., Fitzroy. I’ll review each issue separately, but remember yer gotta buy all three. Issue One features editor Jim Goad on the cover with devil mask touting automatic weaponry. In the editorial Jim tries to give us an idea of what AM! Is all about: “We don’t belong to any political clubs. We’re not conservative or liberal.” … “I’m a dangerous motherfucker –- white trash with a brain.” … “If I couldn’t write, I’d probably kill –- myself or (preferably) someone else.” … “If you hate what we’re doing, that’s more of a reflection on you than it is on us. Our aim is to amuse, provoke, and maybe jog your lazy-ass mind out of the stupor it’s been in. Which leaves one thing unresolved about ANSWER Me! –- what the hell is the question? That’s easy –- WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING STUPID?” Nuff said about Jim and his never-ending need to show us how pissed off he is. Turn the page and one is immediately confronted with the tits of one Barbette Bardot, in a still from Russ Meyer’s 1967 flick Mondo Topless. This is all part of an interview with 60’s king of mild sleaze movies, Russ Meyer. If you don’t know who Russ Meyer is, go buy this mag and read the interview: you’ll be enlightened. Following this is (yawn) another interview with 60’s acid-head and ultra-bore, Timothy Leary; an interview with some unknown transvestite that starred in a couple of Warhol films; Public Enemy; soon followed by my favourite piece in the whole issue, Debbie Goad’s article, "Babies Are Dirty". Here you have a two page diatribe about why Debbie hates babies, and the Kadavar agrees with every fucking word! Babies suck! After this follows more rants about why Jim and Debbie hate everyone, a coupla articules, a nice double page spread of a road accident; a fascinating articule, "24 Hours on Sunset Boulevard", where Jim and Debbie spent 24 hours driving up and down Sunset Blvd (a lot more interesting than it sounds); an essay on masturbation; a great article exposing the brainwashing and silliness inherent in the Twelve Step Programs used by many “Fuckwits” Anonymous groups. Overall impression: first issue very good read. Not for everybody, but I liked it. Issue Two: More of the same as issue one. Highlights include the interview with Church of Satan founder and Satanic Bible author, Anton LaVey. LaVey is always interesting and thought provoking. For two people who hate everybody, Jim and Debbie really tried hard to come across as Anton’s buddies and even seemed to –- dare I say it –- suck up to him. The interview could have been more interesting if Jim and Debbie had done a bit more research and had asked Mr. LaVey some more interesting questions instead of just going over what ALV has already said elsewhere (again and again). There’s also an interview with David Duke, America’s only ex-KKK senator (who’ll admit to it anyway). My only disappointment in this issue was an all too short interview with one of my favourite people in the world: Al Goldstein, New York’s porn king and editor/publisher of the infamous SCREW magazine. Goldstein is always outspoken and it was a pity that the interviewers didn’t get more out of him. The feature in this issue is "Night of a Hundred Mass-Murdering Serial-Killing Stars", where Jim and Debbie fall back to the staple of all these rant/hate mags, the mass-murderer-serial-killer. Only that this article, which in essence is an alphabetical listing of Jim and Debbie’s top 100 psychos, is one of the better ones of this type that I have come across. Following this was a fascinating article, and another reason why I’m glad I don’t live in America, about the Vietnamese Gangs that are currently infesting America. Issue Three: Features Hitler cartoon on front cover of ol’ AH nailed to a cross on the back cover. Again, Jim and Debbie serve up more rants; a great prank phone call by Debbie to Suicide doctor Jack Kevorkian; an interview with president of the paedophile group NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association), Renato Corazza, who tries to explain that he ain’t such a bad guy after all (yeah right!). Spread out amongst all of this are some great pics of people with various cysts and diseases, gunshot victims, etc. Then there’s "Killing Me Softly, Roughly, and Just About Every Other Fucking Way Imaginable: 100 Spectacular Suicides", an article/listing of, you guessed it, Jim and Debbie’s 100 favourite suicides, all listed in alphabetical order. Again, very entertaining, and not for the squeamish. Issue Four: This one you can buy singly for $10 at Polyester or Factotum. This is Jim and Debbie’s special Rape Issue. Yer see, poor things just can’t help themselves, they just gotta try and offend everyone they can. This one opens with a rather long article on Jim’s mother and what a bitch she is. Jim goes to great lengths to tell us how horrible it was growing up with the woman and having such a bitch of a mother. Accompanying this article are heaps of cool pics of women’s faces, err, not looking their best. Next up, Debbie tells us why she’s a piece of shit, accompanied by close-up photos of someone taking a crap (probably Jim). Now follows a whole array of articles discussing rape from every angle imaginable. Some of these were well written and fascinating, others in-yer-face diatribes, others tasteless and aimed at offending as many people as possible, and others just plain hilarious. And it is good to see someone poking a bit of fun at the topic. Overall, I really enjoyed reading the four issues of ANSWER Me! It’s obvious that its editors do have problems, but then again, who gives a fuck, as long as they keep producing AM! They can be as fucked as they like.
Cybercore #1 This is the debut issue of yet another “alternative music/culture” rag. Within its 24 pages you’ll find a really short (half a page … don’t know why they bother sometimes) interview with Ministry guitar-heads Mike Scaccia and Louis Sviekl. There’s a whole heap of ads, a contents page, and all sorts of reviews for a whole heap of bands I’ve never heard of. My problem with music reviews is that yer using one medium to review another medium. It just don’t work. No matter what any reviewer has to say about a band, in the end, the only way you’ll know if you like their music, is to listen to it. Someone’s also written an interesting piece on how to go about producing yer own demo tape. Somewhere towards the end of the rag is an interview with a bunch of wankers (they talk like wankers, so I guess wankers they are) aptly named TDM. Anyone who calls themselves Mellow and Happen deserve a chainsaw up the arse. Overall, not all that bad an effort. Yeah, it is rough around the edges, and it does look as if they really struggled to fill its 24 pages … aarrggghhh!!!! Fuck it. Who am I kidding? The world needs another “alternative musak zine” about as much as I need another coffin. Nuff said. If you can differentiate between Cybercore and the rest of the same same same mags on the counter at yer local “alternative” shoppe, buy the fucker, you deserve it. Meself, I’ll stick to something that delivers a bit more in the attitude department.
Brutarian #14 Okay, so what’s this rag all about? I hear yer askin’ Fuck, I should be a real bastard and end the review right here, without telling you anything about the fucking mag. Alright! Wouldn’t that be a fucking lark? What we have here is 80 pp. full of squiggly things. And no, I ain’t talkin’ ’bout the lettering. For some reason Mr. Crites decided to decorate the tops and bottoms of most of the pages with silly-looking clip art. What a geek! Anyway, amongst all these clip art borders lurk a few articles and the occasional interview. Let’s see Fuckhead -- oops Fuckin’ -- Crites interviews Jesus Lizard, there’s some badly drawn comics that I couldn’t be bothered with; Mr. Bad Boy (said with an ever so effeminate lisp) S. Darnbrook Colson interviews Philip Nutman. If ya don’t know who Philip Nutman is, I ain’t gonna tell ya, buy the rag and read the fucking interview! Phew! At least they forgot to leave those clip art borders out for the book reviews. I like reading book reviews, especially the ones where the reviewer gives a rundown on the book, as it saves me buying and reading the fucker. Turn the page again, and again and fucking wow! Some fucker called Ozzy Fide reviews a whole bunch of skin flicks. Now yer talking. Turn the page again, and there’s this nice still from film A Smell of Honey, A Swallow of Brine, featuring Stacey Walker’s naked behind … yowsa, and what a behind it is too. Next up, we get "Ozzy Fide’s Six Pack Theater", where the Ozzy reviews a whole bunch of flicks (and yawn, more fucking clip art borders!). And to finish up we get a whole bunch of music reviews. Not bad, but could have been a lot better.
Crank #2 Opens with a great rant about how anarchists are just a bunch of conformist fuckwits pretending they’re something different. And it gets better. On the other side of the page is an interview with teenage killer Alvin Harper, who tells us all about how he killed his aunt. Hey, Al come over to my place and I’ll introduce yer to my aunt, maybe you can do her in too? There’s another rant about how Jeff is sick of seeing shit on serial killers used to fill magazines. The next few pages I found a bit of a yawn as Jeff tells us –- in ever so cute little snippets –- all about growing up and what it’s like to be a Jeff. Sheet! There’s even a page praising the virtues of ultra-bore, fuckwit extraordinaire, and Jerry Lewis straight man, Dean Martin. And Jeff complains about serial killers in mags! Gimme Dahmer or Bundy any day over Dean fucking Martin! But wait, there’s more! The highlight is yet to come: There’s a whole section of this mag devoted to Trepanation! In case you don’t know and don’t have a dictionary handy, Trepanation is all about drilling holes in yer head. That’s right! Get out the ol’ Black and Decker and drill away. If yer seen Frankenhooker you know what I mean. Not only do we get a historical overview of skull-tapping, but also a couple of DIY Trepanation pages, including info on picking the right tools and proper drilling techniques. Who said these mags never had nothing useful. My fave was a copy of a letter Jeff sent to Black and Decker asking which drill bit they’d recommend for this process. Great stuff, except for the growing up and coming of age piece.
Funeral Party This is one hell of a production. Glossy pages, colour cover, some colour interior illos. Must have cost a packet to put together. I gather this is the magazine put out (probably yearly or twice yearly) by the (New York) Horror Society. The layout is crisp and easy to follow … very professional in fact, and the content is very impressive. Lurking in these pages are the likes of H.R. Giger, Chas. Balun, Peter Sotos, J.B. Macabre, just to name a few. I’ll admit that the fiction didn’t do all that much for me. Competently written, but nothing special … in fact I’ve already forgotten all the stories. Some interesting interviews with a whole heap of little-known film-makers talking about the underground horror film scene in the USA. There seems to be a thriving underground of low budget horror that we (in Australia) know almost nothing about, and which is totally removed from all the Hollywood bullshit: perhaps these are the types of films we should be getting from the USA rather than shit like Crapolla’s Dracula, and Interview With Tom Cruise In The Guise Of A Vampire … not to mention all that Charles Band shit flooding the video shelves. There’s also an interview with psycho extraordinaire, Peter Sotos; and if you don’t know who he is, go find out. Articles on H.R. Giger’s bar in Switzerland, The Grand-Guignol Theatre of Paris, and some great illos fill out the rest of this mag. Highly recommended. |
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All material on this site is Copyright 2007 to Chris A. Masters
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